First, it was my father. He wrote to me “Son, you know that we really EXPECT to see you at home for Christmas this year. So don’t disappoint your mother again son.”
don’t disappoint again son. don’t disappoint again son. don’t disappoint again son. don’t disappoint again son.
Of course, I ignored it. It is not like they promised that we would be building candy cane houses and a house full of licorice treats? Where are the promises of childhood? Come on, I really want that GI Joe and yes I think having a Ken Barbie would be cool.
I did what anyone would do, I ignored him because there was a party on Christmas Eve that had my whiskey and my name all over it. Who wants to waste their 21st Christmas with their family?
Of course, then! Oh then!
The guilt trips come.
My mother mailed me a letter. Seriously, who even does that anymore? I mean do people actually buy stamps these days?
See here is the deal. This is why I see my family.
And of course, this is how my family see us.
Don’t start yelling at me. Of course, I love my family.
But does this mean that I gotta spend my entire break (a well earned break) with them?
So I opened the letter and it droned on and on about how much everyone misses me. My sister she loves me so (see just like that picture). My sister has returned a single text in like 93 days. Is that love? Come on mom.
Then she laid it on thick. There was even a poem in the card. Who sends a poem to a guy my age? Mom, that is who!
Here it is below, because I know that your life would not be complete without reading it.
You’Ve Got To Love Candy Bars – Poem by Paula Glynn
I just love candy bars,
I will eat Snickers, Kitkats and Mars Bars,
I have no particular preference,
As long as it is a candy bar.
Chocolate tastes lush on the tongue,
You feel so innocent and young,
Chocolate and candy for both sexes,
But pure chocolate is particularly,
Pleasing on the tongue,
And no matter the fad diet,
Every – and any – candy bar,
Saves those cravings:
Satisfying any hunger pain.
Opening a box of chocolates,
Is heaven, whether white, milk or dark,
And any filling is lush,
Sneakily plucking out those mini,
chocolates, that taste so delicious,
On the tongue, and before you know it,
All the chocolates are gone,
And the worst thing is,
You were on your own!
Those candy bars are a temptation,
And even when broke,
You always have the money,
For a candy bar,
And you stand in the queue, Knowing everyone in line,
Can see what you’re about to buy,
And you try to hide those candy bars,
But looking down it is obvious,
And you just lie,
Saying they’re for your younger sister:
Someone has to be the scapegoat!
You get given boxes of chocolate,
At Christmas, and you enjoy Mars Bars,
Snickers, Kitkats, Aero & galaxy:
The list goes on,
Chocolate is so addictive,
You crave that candy bar,
Like a junkie that craves a shot,
The only thing is you’re gaining weight,
Not misery, for chocolate is a must,
It is an addiction, a way of life,
It cannot be ignored,
When on the isle shelf,
It cannot be ignored,
When next to the crisps,
But do remember this: you’re only human,
And a litte of what you fancy does you good.
Yep, that is one long son-of-a-****. What can I say? We are that family. So what will I do?
I will send her a gift. It will be beautiful and the best part is, she will get it month after month. It is time that mom stepped into a new century, you know the one where people get gifts in the mail. What I am sending? Oh this is good. I am sending her a Candy Subscription Box. She will love it and I know that because that woman loves her sweets.
Sure she will work out the gym and I will feel her sad eyes from across the nation. Yep, I have to go for Easter. That is my punishment but frankly doing Whiskey shots on the balcony of a church just doesn’t seem right. So Easter is a holiday that I can give up.